The challenge of inner quiet and relaxation
I mentioned before that I am in Virginia visiting family right now. It has been lovely seeing everyone. It has also been great to have a slower pace of life for a few days.
It has also been challenging to have a slower pace of life for a few days. I didn’t expect to have so much down time while I was here. It is something I welcome because my pace of life is beyond hectic. But because I have so little down time and am used to running a mile a minute, I find that I can forget how to be quiet and have down time. The last couple days, whenever I had a moment to just sit and be, I noticed that I started feeling sort of panic-stricken. My mind would race through all the work I need to do. But then I was able quiet my mind by reminding myself that it wasn’t time to do all that work now, it was time to relax and be with family. But a few moments later, I’d feel all anxious again and my heart felt like it was racing.
I’ve always been an anxious person, a worrier. And if I don’t keep on top of it and meditate and relax regularly, I get into an unhealthy state. So, being quiet here has made me realize I’ve not been keeping on top of it. In fact, I’ve been doing a pretty good job of neglecting my needs and being harsh with myself. I am really good at convincing myself that I can handle lot of stress and be super busy and be fine. To some extent this is true, but then when I have down time and feel panic-y, I realize that that mind set has taken a toll.
So, this down time has reminded me to be more kind to myself. I’ve been doing some thinking and writing about how I often unconsciously think from a “deficit” place—for example, “I haven’t gotten everything done yet”, “This doesn’t sound good enough yet”, “I haven’t done enough”, “I haven’t proven myself or done well enough yet”, etc. That kind of thinking is so harsh and unhelpful. So, I’ve decided to work on coming from a place of contentment and appreciation for what I have and what I’ve done. Then, I can build on that from a place of joy and calm, rather than worry and fear. Undoubtedly, this will be very challenging for me. But it also feels really right. What a relief to have a moment of peace! Funny how I didn’t even realize how badly I needed it.
January 23rd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Hi Laura. Wow, what an entry. Very deep. If I can do anything to lift you up when things are tough, please let me know. I can be a good relaxing partner and can do silly dances for you anytime. Love you! -e
January 23rd, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Right on my friend. It is all about contentment and gratitude. Let’s practice being thankful and satisfied at our next lesson. We could both use the reminder!
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Yes, a good reminder. Stay positive. I could learn to do that as well. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately while finishing up my debut CD. Yesterday, I had Anal Glaucoma (couldn’t see my butt going into work), so I spent the day completely alone and had a nice meditation and then wrote a song I was happy with. It was a fabulous day. There has been a lot of negativity in the air lately though hasn’t there?
January 24th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Laura, you and i are so much alike. I know we know that. But, your entries this past week affirm it once again.
I too feel anxious when I have breaks in the action. Maybe not panic-y. But, definitely I am hard on myself in those moment. Like, finishing a Newsreel one day and the next saying to myself “Kari you’ve spent all day watching cop shows. But you have like 3 side projects that are still sitting off to the side.” I also get a little, tad bit depressed when I take too much down time. How about you?
But, two things occurred to me when I read your entry. One is, I’ve learned this year that sometimes we have to ease into our downtime. It can be a huge shock to go from 80mph to 10mph overnight. It’s kind of like slamming on the brakes in our car… we can end up veering off the road or throwing ourselves through the windshield or something.
Second, sometimes we can be hard on ourselves for being hard on ourselves. How can we just be okay with being? I mean, be okay with being hard on ourselves even? Sometimes when thoughts are racing through my brain, I just say, “Okay, I’ve had THAT thought. It was okay to have it, but no its time to move on and let it go.”
Love you Laura!!
January 25th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Thanks so much for your encouragement and kindness, Erin and Kerri! Looking forward to some silly dancin’ from Erin and to some singing with Kerri.
And Shogo, I’m totally inspired by your day of meditation and writing! Awesome! Can’t wait to hear that CD.
And Kari, thanks so much for your thoughts! That is very wise about easing into downtime—I think I am learning something important about that. And I totally hear you on the need to not be hard on ourselves about being hard on ourselves. I think self-compassion is the best remedy for being hard on one’s self. Love to you, too!
Thanks so much for your thoughts and support, everyone!!
January 30th, 2008 at 4:49 am
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